You Have Permission to Leave
Stop allowing yourself to be strung along by the evangelical church
I’m back!
Thanks to everyone that waited so patiently while I finished my book proposal. My agent and I hope to send to prospective publishers this month. Exciting!
One of the concepts that I spend a good deal of time addressing in my book is this (false) notion that survivors should remain joined at the hip with our abusers. And it’s important that we understand that the hurt that we are experiencing from evangelicalism is spiritual abuse. The concept of staying to allow ourselves to continue being victimized is never said bluntly. It usually takes the form of an interior monologue that goes:
1. I’ve been hurt;
2. They didn’t mean it;
3. If they knew what they did & the impact, they would see things my way;
4. Having all the relevant information (seeing things my way), they would change
Therefore, we feel an obligation to stay in these spaces /relationships and persist on educating them how we’ve been hurt. To which they assure us that they didn’t mean it, but make no meaningful changes. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
This thought model also comes fully equipped with guilt, standard. That is, we feel an obligation to continue to stay within toxic spaces hoping to woo our abusers back to a correct understanding of the gospel. We can save them. Perhaps we can even reform the system from the inside out. And afterall, don’t we have an obligation to do so as siblings in Christ? Shouldn’t we embrace the most toxic facets that the Enneagram 9 has to offer - running back to our abusers in hopes of reconciliation? Said another way, “Shouldn’t we make ourselves available to people who have proven over a substantial period of time that they are unwilling to be introspective and/or make changes so that they continue to emotionally abuse us?”. When you think about it that directly, the question answers itself.
I was pondering this after a discussion on my Twitter feed this week when I came across a TikTok by Mel Robbins that spoke volumes. She says it so directly and succinctly that I couldn’t have asked for a better introduction. Some things are better heard than read, so please listen to her revelatory thoughts and my response below.
Brothers and sisters, it’s time to emancipate ourselves from this toxic facade of Christianity in exchange for the authentic faith that Jesus intends for us. That’s just how I feel about it. Tell my why I’m wrong. I’m not wrong, but tell me anyway.
I hear you, my friend. You are not wrong. You are not alone in your thoughts and reflections. I hope and pray you find a safe place where you can thrive and flourish into the life of God he desires for you. I’m continuing to read you here on SubStack and follow on Twitter (for as long as that’s possible). We’re fortunate to be in a church that was planted 20 years ago to be apart from the “toxic façade”) by a wise senior pastor and his values have continued through subsequent pastoral staff to the present. We are always reaching for orthodoxy and stretching into an appropriate orthopraxy to meet the moment, not easy tasks. Blessings to you, brother.
Thank you so much for this, Robert. You are absolutely right here. We need to stop fooling ourselves that we could've changed these things from the inside. Because no response, is a response. "Not dealing," is being complicit!